God bless
Eve
Friday, September 25, 2009
I haven't posted for a while because to be honest sometimes I just don't want to think about the term BPD or talk about it or be it. Sometimes I feel like too much emphasis is put on having what they call BPD. I don't like the effect this diagnosis has on me let alone the Borderline Personality Disorder itself. So, I took a break. I found I just had to avoid it for a while 'til I knew I was ready. This week I got a very big encouragement from someone who read my posts ( see comment from Rahul ) You first need to read his comments to understand what I am about to say next, so I will copy and past what he said and post it in red. This is what Rahul posted in my comments. I read thru all your blogs and it was difficult to stop my tears. What you have described is shockingly similar to what my wife of 4 yrs seems to be experiencing. It took me a long time to really understand why she does what she does, why she feels what she feels and it was really frustrating. I was putting my best foot forward but she was always unhappy, fighting and saying hurtful things. I am thankful to Internet that I started researching trying to understand her and now I know a little better. I have read thru lots of information on Internet. But I think sharing with you would really help me help my wife coz you can relate to her feelings more than I can right now. I want to reach a level where I would be able to relate and comfort her and may be ease her pain a little. At the same time I want to maintain my emotional well being as well so we don't break down. I really admire your strength and willingness to understand yourself and set up a path to healing. Will share more in times to come. You bring inspiration to me and I am really thankful for that. I wish you all the best. So Rahul, I may not be able to write a full post as yet because I still feel like I want some time out from BPD blogging. But I certainly feel so encouraged that having a problem like this isn't all bad news if it can help someone else. If I can actually be of use to someone else within this crappy diagnosis then that gives me some hope that not all is lost. The end. Sorry folks, will try again later. This is the best I can do right now
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Hi Eve,
ReplyDeleteThanks for giving so much attention to my comments and posting the entire comment on your blog. I know I am not helping you in anyway by bringing up my problems, but I do feel since we are emotionally unattached we can share our perspective without the fear of hurting(we may hurt but there is no fear). I am glad you felt encouraged. One thing that always perplxes me is that there are always two side of the coin. One side is me and another is my loved one. Both are important and we often struggle to find a preference for one or another. For eg. I do feel the pain my wife goes thru.. and now I understand it..I understand I am not causing her the pain..but her pain is real..I get blamed for it. She is into her 9th day of constantly abusing me.. saying mean and hurtful things..outbursts lasting 3-4 hrs at a stretch every morning..and again just before bed.. my work s suffering.. my own emotional well being is suffering.. well.. i know you can identify with all that.. At times I dont understand whether to save her or save myself.. these are difficult questions..and no answers at all. We probably will never have any answers..my wife will never know what she did to deserve feeling this way..why was she born that way.. I will never know what I did to have my better half feel that way.. not encouraging..but I guess like u said this is the best I could have done right now. As far as the term BPD goes, I personaly dont like it. Putting a lable on someones feelings is cruel. I do not have the heart to tell my wife that this is something she could be suffering from. She is totally oblivious..she realy feels me and all the other people around her are evils and cause of all her misery..mostly me.. it hurts..but still I dont want to put a label on it. will write more soon.
hope you feel better soon. best wishes!
Hi givethemhope. I would like to extend an invitation to you to write directly to my email addy so hopefully I can shine a little light on your situation. If you feel it is not what you want to do that is fine also
ReplyDeleteI have a partner so there is no fear of emotional attachment. my addy is bpdiag45@gmail.com
thanks
talk soon (that is if you wish)
Eve! I was diagnosed with BPD three years ago but I brushed it aside because for me, that there couldn't be anything wrong, i'm fine. I've been doing it alone for most of my life, i'm fine I can put a handle on this. I didn't want to grasp onto the reality that, yes, there was something wrong with my emotional unstability. There was a reason why I couldn't have a "stable" romantic relationship, dealing with the constant abandoment issues, the fear, isolation, sadness, and yes anger. I haven't been suicidal since I was 14. Now i'm 31 and it came upon me in instant that I needed to figure out how to deal with this, how to cope. I began researching and came across your blog. It was like a passage way to my soul. Oh my god, someone else who feels exactly like I do. What the hell? I'm scared as shit right now because to be quite frank with you, i'm deploying with my Unit from MT in the US in January. I've had a rough year. More and more I feel angry, sad, alone, always pushing people away, even more so now and yes more anger. The question is, how do I deal with this? I leave in less than three months to a war area where people are going to depend on me. What do I do with that? In the last year I've lost both my PT jobs do to the economy, had to withdraw from school because of that, no one here will hire me because I am in the NG, and eventually I lost my house, now i'm homeless. Lucky for me I love the great outdoors and don't mind sleeping in a tent. With all of this it makes me feel even more isolated. Did I mention the fact I was abandoned by my mom and she gave my sisters up for a man, who abused us and she later married!? Maybe that is partly why i'm soooo screwed up...i write this to you because I feel you would understand. I'm hoping I do hear from you just to get your thoughts and what you do when you're feeling all these negative thoughts and how you can have a stable loving relationship. I've never been able too. I hope you will email me. This is a true statement and I hope to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteMy Email: outdoorchick78@hotmail.com
Thank you...A.J
Hi A.J,
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be completly honest with you. When I got your email I had just had a gigantic abusive argument with my partner of 14 months where I had all day been spitting abuse at him, letting off the steam of my pressure cooker inside me. Also earlier in the day he had said those terrifying words. If you're not happy then just pack up and go!" When he uttered these words and walked out of the room and up the hall I hit him from behind over and over. I attacked him physically. The pain and the anguish of just having it confirmed once more in my life that I am not wanted just was too much and I went into what I call a spell. A trance like state where my emotions just take over. Our relationship has becoming increasingly more violent from me and it's getting to be about every two weeks I jump on him when he says something rejecting to me and I just attack him. So my answer to you is I don't have the answer darls, just despair. I do pray though and that is all I hang onto right now. The hope that God is listening and he does have an answer to this mess that I apparently have to acknowledge is my life! This isn't a life, this is an absolute joke but without the humour. BTW I was terribly rejected by my family as young kid too and I just think I feel unworthy of love. Like I'm existing on half the emotional fuel and love tank I need. Always I feel like I am struggling and limping along. Sometimes are better than others but then bang the shit hits the fan again. Something ruffles my feathers and brings me undone. I'm in a DBT program but it's early days and to be honest I really don't understand BPD as I'm only just diagnosed last year and it came as a shock. Although I knew there was something wrong with me I wasn't ready to hear it was a REAL mental condition, I thought it was just depression or post traumatic trauma. The bpd tag is just horrible to have to admit. It seems just such a revolting label and sickness with not a good prognosis. I find it easier to look at others who have BPD and say öh yes I can see why they are BPD but I'm too normal. But as the years go on I'm getting increasingly less normal in my head. The struggle just gets harder and harder. I don't know if my relationship is to blame for exacerbating it. My counselor says this will get worse before it gets better. I hope she is right and that is what's happening. I don't know what I would do without my faith but in other ways I wonder if he is going to or able to answer this prayer. The prayer I cry is "God please help me!!!"amen
I'll be praying for you too A.J
Eve
Hi, Eve!
ReplyDeleteI just wrote you a loooong comment, and then my computer deleted it, so I'm going to try to highlight the main points that I was making:
-First of all, I'm so glad to see another blogger writing about BPD! Not enough people know about it, and they definitely don't understand it, so if we can educate at least one person about it, that's a success.
-In January of 2009, I started an organization called On The Borderline; our mission is to educate and spread awareness about BPD, provide resources to help people better understand the illness and improve their mental health, and to encourage people to start (or continue) on their journey to recovery. We also hope to inspire others to get out there and educate somebody about BPD.
-Would it be possible for you to put a link to On The Borderline's website on your blog (http://ontheborderline.org)? I would really appreciate it! I've been running the whole thing pretty much by myself, so it's been somewhat slow going, and the organization needs all the promotions it can get! I'm currently looking for volunteers to help me out with the organization, so let me know if you're interested! You can email me at laurenmaynard@ontheborderline.org or stop by On The Borderline's facebook fan page (http://facebook.com/ontheborderline.org) and leave me a message there.
I hope to hear from you soon! :)
-Lauren Maynard
Founder of On The Borderline
Oh-- I forgot to mention that I'm going to add a link to your blog on On The Borderline's blogroll, if that's alright with you. Let me know! :)
ReplyDelete