Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Labels, Alphabetical Achronyms. So what turns on it?

As I have said this diagnoses is very new to me, well in the bigger scheme of things at least. Having existed for 46 years without knowing that what made me feel different and troubled and prone to depression amongst other things was something they actually call Borderline Personality Disorder. I've gone through the trials and tribulations of misdiagnoses and still no relief to finally come to a place of rest and peace. Almost like arriving to a place I've never been before after a really long trip, but strangely feeling like I know this place, I think it's home? I sit down by the fire place on the rocking chair of life, rest, and think back on the journey for a while. Then begin to feel the fire warm up my bones and soothe my aching limbs. Unusual metaphor I know but nevertheless this is the feeling I have. So although people don't generally like the stigma of a label, this for me has it's plusses. I somehow feel more known in a sense, understood, even if by myself alone and doctors, not so much family (although if they come on board with support the journey becomes so much lighter) & validated for the symptoms, not imagining that there is something wrong but unaware of what it is and if everyone is like me, I don't feel so unheard and lost, even frightened!!

Far out! Why didn't they have a list of these cool terms like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) back in my day? In this world of Alphabetical Acronyms, labels & tags for all these seemingly new mental conditions it certainly raises a few questions as to whether it's all gone a bit overboard. Do I think it has?Well if you ask me, I don't think so, this is what I think. The world is in a very sad, sick state. This is not a put down of our potentially beautiful world , it's a proven fact! But in the midst of this seemingly morbid fact I think that there are positives coming out of the problems. What I mean to say it is this. Maybe it could be seen as a good thing that at last there is wide spread acknowledgement at least amongst a growing number that there is a need for wholeness mentally, spiritually and physically. The fact that this is being addressed now is to me fantastic. In one sense the world has probably never been so sick, but let's look at the half full cup scenario for the moment. Let's say that the doctor appears when the patient is ready. Put another way, maybe the worlds mental health is in such a bad state that the studies have been more prevalent since these problems have arisen in the world on such a large scale. The half full cup mindset says to me we are living in privileged times really as far as knowledge, studies, technology and health advancement. We have the opportunity to make the most of this. So really we can always look at things in two or maybe more different ways. Personally for me my prognosis and even 'label' if you like of Borderline Personality Disorder is funnily enough a great relief in one way, because I can now see and understand myself and my past and actions in a greater way and more importantly endeavour to heal and learn and move forward with all the help and knowledge this new information offers me. I have also had terrible times of sadness realising and grieving that it wasn't noticed earlier. I also feel a bit sorry for my self. Sorry for self is not always a bad thing, it can be used for the purpose of grieving so as to move forward. Isn't it funny how we have self imposed rules about feeling sorry for ourselves? We all do it but pretend we don't. Sometimes when I reminisce I feel sorry for the little girl that suffered back when I was a child, the one without the diagnoses that was so often misunderstood as just being naughty, the frightened scared little girl that didn't have her own peculiar needs met. Its hard to know what came first, the chicken or the egg, genetics or adaptation to life, nurture or nature? Was it in me from the beginning, the predisposition to have a mental illness like this and then because of my environment made worse? These are all the questions I can begin to ponder, ask myself, maybe even seek to answer. Doesn't matter I'm home, I can begin to heal by understanding about BPD. Knowledge gives power they say. This knowledge of my diagnoses have definitely given me power to change and to become the best I can be. It might be a journey, but journeys have to start somewhere. Funny, sometimes I think about me as a child, almost as though she was someone else, like a dear, cute and lovable little girl I want to reach out to with compassion and love. She wasn't someone else, she was me, but she was long ago, so in a way she is detached from the now. I comfort her for the pain she felt. It helps a lot! I find this positive and nurturing. We all have our own methods of self-help.