Sunday, June 20, 2010

It's just not fair! I hate Bpd

Here I am all this time later, almost 10 months since my last post. I've been through hell and back and now I'm going through another real downer to say the least. Where will I start? OK, I'm gonna keep this short.
I went to a BPD course, hated it! It made me worse, I didn't fit in like the others. I felt like I couldn't be me, they wouldn't let me talk and talking is what helps. I had to sit down, shut up and just be a good girl! Exactly how I've felt all my life and that just made me want to explode. In the end I ran out during one of the breaks commenting to some of the other 'students' or should I say 'naughty Bpd children' crying hysterically and saying "I just can't do this, I just can't do this! "
They just stared as if to say 'oh yes the crazy one that can't get it together, the non conformist who was trouble anyway" I walked down the road not really caring that I was crying but as I went the incredible, huge relief came upon me and I began to feel some amount of peace. I wondered why I had put up with what I saw as abuse for so long in the first place and why I doubted what was and wasn't good for me. I could go on but I have to go to work so I have to make this as brief as possible.
So months down the track things really did improve for me, my relationship got better, we have had some beautiful times, he is OCPD and I felt that as I was asserting myself and seeing that it wasn't 'just me and my stuff' I was handling him better and not taking his crap either. But we still have had many battles to get through. I was still acting typically Bpd when in a rage about being common problems that go on in a relationship, well not all that common, he is one extreme and I am the other. If you know anything about Ocpd then you would know that Bpd and Ocpd are a bad combination in the alphabet. His 'stuff' really isn't good for my 'stuff'.
I got to the point of violence toward him and then finally he, me. When we finally were belting each other on the floor one day I realised I had to control myself as in take control or we would have to separate. I can only take control of my life not his that's why I say 'I' had to control myself. After all I was the one instigating the violence and I guess he just eventually retaliated after many punches in the arm and hits across the head etc. You can't blame a man for being unable to cope anymore and get to that point I guess. Well you can but you can't, I think you know what I mean. Nevertheless it was what I saw I had to do, I took responsibility. It didn't solve the whole issue behind the violence but it stopped it in it's tracks.
Anyway the problem is that with my Bpd whenever I have been physically violent I have managed to stop it mostly but then it goes to verbal or self harm. I have never cut myself but I my thoughts and actions are very self defeating and negative. I get very down on myself and can have suicidal or wanting to die thoughts. The pain is so excruciating any wonder, I mean who wouldn't want a way out? So yes I stopped hitting but then I went to just shouting, venting, swearing, saying horrible nasty things, ranting! You know the rap. Well the other day my partner wanted to 'instruct' me again (in my terms, tell me how to suck eggs AGAIN!) which I hate!! because I feel controlled demeaned and treated like a damn idiot and what do I do?
I say s h u t u p! very very loudly. This to me was my warning sign. He didn't get warned. He just got that red rag out and started waiving it to me again in my face. I got louder! and more furious. I was losing control ......................woops gone! I've lost it. Well the sleeves got rolled up and out came the bullets. pow pow pow pow pow. He got it with both barrel's. My tongue was wagging off with those pellets at a thousand miles an hour. In my mind I still wasn't out of control I was still just warning him and telling him this isn't acceptable to do this to me, now get out of my face, he stepped up the anti and his face said to me " Eve, you are looking at your fathers face right now, that aggressive hateful face that said you are despised young lady, because you are just such a horrible child" !!! I can still see my partners face. He hated me. I want so much to be loved when I'm hateable, I need so much to be loved when I'm bad, when I'm naughty, when I have feelings that I want heard. I don't know I just want to be loved full stop.
I want to be loved for just who I am, what I am.
How can I expect this from another human being, how can I expect this love that I am so needing when I mouth off and make myself so unlovable and unattractive to my partner.
You see I see no harm in it because I know what I mean and what is just frustration, fear, letting off steam and warning someone that they have to back off. I feel like a tiger who is saying "don't go near my cubs or I will have to bite you."
These are my kittens. My heart, My life, My rights, being heard, being listened to, respected, not not being walked over, equality.
What are your kittens? What do you want to say when you are angry?
what are you mad about that you didn't ever get heard that people threaten to do again?
anyway these are mine.
I live a life of frustration so much of it
A lot of my life is spent 'putting up' with things I don't like and basically just wearing it so as not to cause problems and so I feel accepted and fit in to society at large I guess
but when something sends me over the edge all that unfairness and feelings of "hey why do I have to hold this all in and put up with shit"? comes up. How come everyone else gets heard, or can put up with not being heard? I think they do get heard mostly. It's my voice that gets drowned out. The only way I can be heard is when I'm angry. Then people are forced to listen.
Problem is they hate me for it and think I'm nutz.
What a roundabout this is.
I feel like I've been on it forever and I'm getting dizzy.
Will I be on this forever?
Oh btw the reason I haven't been on this site is because I just feel like talking about BPD and concentrating on BPD makes me worse. I feel knowing what it is is good, but it can be very negative just concentrating on the negative aspects of it for me. I want answers. Sometimes just looking at the word BPD it can make me feel so helpless and quite literally sick in the stomach. The word reminds me of hopelessness. I can't feel that way or I won't want to go on. Everyone has to have hope. There is always hope. No matter what the situation. As much as I could give in and say "no there isn't" with Bpd. I HAVE to think hopefully. I have to fight to keep going and believing that there is either a light at the end of the tunnel. A reason for this or an answer that I haven't found yet. I don't know all the answers. I don't know if I'm just not seeing the obvious and/ or I'm a bad person who just hurts others and isn't repentant of it. I don't know if I'm just a failure because of my sin or if God sees me as a tryer or stubborn or what the go is.
I feel incredibly desperate and fearful beyond belief. I feel so fearful to the point that no one should live in fear because it's torment really. I don't know where this came from this Bpd. I don't know how I ended up with it and whether it will one day go or I will work through it. To be honest I long sometimes for the end of my life where there will be rest from all this hard work.
It's a jungle out there says my partner. No for me the jungle is in here, inside me. All those animals hanging on those trees and swinging on those vines that I don't ask to speak to me and annoy me with their annoying grunts and groans and threats of violence in the form of accusations about who I am and generally just being there and therefore not providing me with the silence of stillness and beautiful peace. All those loud shrieks they wake me in the middle of the night that keep me awake and give me tormenting dreams of my past mistakes and times I would prefer to forget. The camelion and the parrot that copies my voice and mocks me. The scary darkness where all I can see is eyes and I wonder what is going to get me next.
Why am I defensive they say. hahaha wouldn't you? I think. wouldn't you be?
Try living in your own personal jungle without puffing your chest out and being scary, looking weak and like you can be eating in one big gulp. Try living their without a weapon or two. Just try it, see how long you'll last.
People have no idea what the average Bpd has suffered and gone through and why we feel we 'have' to be angry and stay on our defense. How can they know? I'm jealous that they don't know, not that I would wish that on them but I'm jealous when my partner says "I don't understand because I just had a simple loving home, none of these things happened to me."
It's not fair that I went through it and now I am a mess because of it and now I can't even be understood for the result. That I now have to go through life feeling bad because I have anger, because I feel the need to be ready and on the defense.
it's just hard! that's all I'm saying and it's not fair.
Eve