BPD- The journey inside my mind during an episode

I've noticed that there is a direct correlation between Love and my incredible need for it, as much as there is for air, when talking about BPD and it's symptoms. Especially, but not reserved for when dealing with my significant 'other' and our interpersonal relationship. It's as though my world and my emotional stability pivots around this HUGE and life threatening need and my very life depends upon it. Being diagnosed with high functioning BPD can be tricky. I've noticed that I can sometimes actually think to myself to a large degree that, "it's gone! I'm normal again ! I must have been cured by this beautiful love I've been feeling and experiencing with my partner. Then all of a sudden in the blink of an eye it can all come crashing down and I can fall headlong into a sea of terror and hurt and confusion and pain through some event that is catastrophized in my mind that I'm no longer loved or wanted. This insecurity can come upon me so quickly, as though coming from behind with no prior warning. My security can go from being total to being threatened every time my love line is broken or should I say perceived to be broken, or if I'm not getting a clear message that I am loved and heard and wanted. It can happen for many reasons that are common to relationships that others seem to cope with better than me. I used to think that everyone felt like this in their relationships? So easily terrified and afraid that I am no longer wanted anymore and maybe I have never truly been. But I'm beginning to realize that this is me, this is something that others don't necessarily go through really, at least to this extent. They may go through similar feelings but the intensity is often reserved for us BPD sufferers. Wow, I should get a tattslotto ticket! lucky me! What to me has been normal for as long as I can remember is quite unusual as a matter of fact, or so I'm told. Apparently the average human being doesn't feel those intensity's like I do. Hooray, now I know why I've always felt different, like I'm from another planet. Take me back to the planet I say! Oh my goodness, imagine a whole planet of BPD's?
It's difficult because having a BPD diagnoses is like no longer being able to trust my own voice, or the voice I've always known. The one that says, It's them!! they are the enemy!! they're doing this to you!! hurting you, making you feel insecure, unloved, bad! The voice I've listened to my whole life. The voice of pain that justifies my huge reactions has to be really assessed from a BPD point of view now and that can be very confronting. My pain is so monumental that I can be just so sure it's them that's making me feel this bad and that I am the victim of their wrongdoing. This doesn't mean it's not real! It may be blown out of context or proportion, yes! but it is very real to me. It is so real that no one can convince me otherwise at the time I am experiencing this attack as I call it.. I guess the starting point is realizing where the pain is coming from and often it's from inside. It may have even been there a very long time. It may be a little child's voice. One that wasn't heard so long ago that I don't recognize that child's pained voice anymore. I shut her voice out so often that it's easier just to blame. It wasn't really my fault, I had to shut her voice out back then just to conform, stay safe. Was I ever really safe? Besides who ever listened to her anyway? She wasn't worth listening to. Or was she? So I project my pain onto someone else, often my significant other, or it could be a work colleague that has been bothering me for some time. Once again making me feel dis empowered maybe? Of course this is just a hypothesis or a scenario. I'm not suggesting that every voice of pain is from my childhood but I am simply speaking what is common to me. This voice at the time of pain really is deceiving in a way. It isn't very intelligent, logical and certainly has no self discipline. This voice has been trained through much practice to recognize pain and scream it out at 1000 decibels. So loud! that I can't necessarily hear any voice of reason or logic. To not react to the pain would be like having my hand scorched on a hot plate and being made not to react again like always. Be good, sit down, shut up, stay quiet! But I am an adult and now I know I have a right to be heard and be heard I will! that same voice is demanding! There can be no more denial, I am angry at denial. I was crushed once and won't be crushed again! Does this sound familiar? Or is it just me that has these feelings? These experiences? How hard is it now to have to believe that this isn't happening? How must those I love feel when I have these out of control and often profanely expressive outbursts? What must I look like to them? I'm yet to begin my journey of recovery but I'm really looking forward to gaining new insight and skills into how to deal with these intense feelings and temporary moments of lost insanity. I want stability, I don't want to be afraid of losing anymore loved one's over this disease that follows me around and has reaped so much havoc in my past. Destroyed so many wonderful, potential relationships and/ or opportunities. I'm sure if you have an interest in BPD you will relate to some of this.

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Also scroll down to read some other recent BPD post. Thanks